Parenting with Love and Logic- Part Two
Now that I've learned what kind of parent I want to strive to be, and how to deal with outbursts/tantrums/bullying/hurting behavior, here are a few more rules and tips:
Two rules of Love and Logic:
1. Adults must set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats. This is hard for me- mostly coming up with enforceable statements and giving appropriate choices where I'm OK with either outcome. Sometimes, the choices are dictated by the kid's behavior. For example, if kid is having a tantrum and I ask if he would like to go to his room on his feet or by being carried, and he just continues to throw the fit, he has effectively chosen to be carried. Oh, it is exhausting, but it is better than getting angry and escalating the situation!
2. When a child causes a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child. This means having a limited vocabulary and neutralizing a child's arguing by repeating that you're sad they made that choice... but not engaging in an argument with the kid. Another thing I'm really working on is that consequences can be delayed. I've read the exact opposite in other toddler books, but as Landon gets older, I think that he is remembering more of the things that he's done wrong, and so this is now an effective way to deal with things.
The way to set firm limits is through thinking words. Thinking words consist of asking questions and putting the responsibility for making decisions back on the kids. It is SO much harder to get in the habit of doing this vs. just barking out commands, but I have already seen some amazing behavioral results as I allow Landon to make more and more decisions! An example of a thinking question is: "Would you like to carry your coat or wear it?" Instead of telling kids what do to, what we don't allow, and what we won't do for them, we tell them what we will do, what we will allow, and what we will provide. For example, "I'll be happy to read to a book when your bath is finished." or "You may either eat the food that is in front of you or wait and see if the next meal is food that you like better."
Ugh, all this psychology is wearing me out. I definitely wouldn't do it if it didn't work so well. Something that I definitely need to implement and improve on is figuring out how to say "yes" when I mean "yes" and "yes" when I mean "no." It's all in the phrasing. So if Landon asks, "Can I have a candy?" I need to say, " Yes, you may have a candy after you finish your lunch." Instead of saying, "No, you must finish your lunch first." Kids then have to think about the choice they have to make instead of getting angry.
Giving choices instead of commands changes everything! It encourages kids to think instead of fight. Here are the main rules for giving choices:
1. Always be sure to select choices that you as a parent like and can live with. Don't provide one you like and one you don't, because the child will usually select the one you don't like.
2. Never give a choice unless you are willing to allow the child to experience the consequences of that choice.
3. Never give choices when the child is in danger.
4. Always give only two verbal choices, but make sure the child knows there is an implied third choice: If he doesn't decide, then you'll decide for him.
5. Your delivery is important. Try to start your sentence with one of the following: You're welcome to... Feel free to... Would you rather... What would be best for you...?
Naturally occurring consequences are the best teachers, I am guilty of trying to shield Landon from some consequences by giving warnings instead of putting a stop to it when he is goofing off instead of eating dinner, for example. By not giving warnings, we teach our kids that we mean business and that they must change behavior in order to avoid those consequences in the future. Sometimes, we must impose consequences. In that case, they must be enforceable, fit the crime, and be delivered with love. We can deliver consequences with empathy and commiserate with our child's fate, while transferring back to them the responsibility for making it right. Gosh, it's so hard in the heat of the moment to apply all of these principles, but in just the few short weeks when I've really tried this method, I've had a much happier, more cooperative preschooler on my hands!
In everything we do, we need to model good behavior. If we expect our children to speak to us with respect, we need to speak to them and others with respect. Through this book, I've realized that the key to successful parenting and discipline is really to develop more self control and master myself! Only by controlling my own frustration, anger, and angst can I expect my three-year-old to behave appropriately. I always remind myself and Austin, "He's three, we're 28... We CAN control ourselves!"
One thing that is a challenge is that Landon is a brilliant child. I read a book about gifted kids that said that these kids can have a harder time with behavior because their level of intellect and their maturity in behavior are so different. That's the problem. When Landon is well-rested and well-fed, he can be a delightful, obedient and helpful boy! When he is not, or when he becomes overwhelmed in some way, he can be a stubborn, swirling tornado of emotion. It is SO much easier to react in an angry or frustrated way in these instances, so I guess the challenge for me is to use these tools to remain calm and be the parent!
Here's a link to the book for anyone interested on Amazon.
Two rules of Love and Logic:
1. Adults must set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats. This is hard for me- mostly coming up with enforceable statements and giving appropriate choices where I'm OK with either outcome. Sometimes, the choices are dictated by the kid's behavior. For example, if kid is having a tantrum and I ask if he would like to go to his room on his feet or by being carried, and he just continues to throw the fit, he has effectively chosen to be carried. Oh, it is exhausting, but it is better than getting angry and escalating the situation!
2. When a child causes a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child. This means having a limited vocabulary and neutralizing a child's arguing by repeating that you're sad they made that choice... but not engaging in an argument with the kid. Another thing I'm really working on is that consequences can be delayed. I've read the exact opposite in other toddler books, but as Landon gets older, I think that he is remembering more of the things that he's done wrong, and so this is now an effective way to deal with things.
The way to set firm limits is through thinking words. Thinking words consist of asking questions and putting the responsibility for making decisions back on the kids. It is SO much harder to get in the habit of doing this vs. just barking out commands, but I have already seen some amazing behavioral results as I allow Landon to make more and more decisions! An example of a thinking question is: "Would you like to carry your coat or wear it?" Instead of telling kids what do to, what we don't allow, and what we won't do for them, we tell them what we will do, what we will allow, and what we will provide. For example, "I'll be happy to read to a book when your bath is finished." or "You may either eat the food that is in front of you or wait and see if the next meal is food that you like better."
Ugh, all this psychology is wearing me out. I definitely wouldn't do it if it didn't work so well. Something that I definitely need to implement and improve on is figuring out how to say "yes" when I mean "yes" and "yes" when I mean "no." It's all in the phrasing. So if Landon asks, "Can I have a candy?" I need to say, " Yes, you may have a candy after you finish your lunch." Instead of saying, "No, you must finish your lunch first." Kids then have to think about the choice they have to make instead of getting angry.
Giving choices instead of commands changes everything! It encourages kids to think instead of fight. Here are the main rules for giving choices:
1. Always be sure to select choices that you as a parent like and can live with. Don't provide one you like and one you don't, because the child will usually select the one you don't like.
2. Never give a choice unless you are willing to allow the child to experience the consequences of that choice.
3. Never give choices when the child is in danger.
4. Always give only two verbal choices, but make sure the child knows there is an implied third choice: If he doesn't decide, then you'll decide for him.
5. Your delivery is important. Try to start your sentence with one of the following: You're welcome to... Feel free to... Would you rather... What would be best for you...?
Naturally occurring consequences are the best teachers, I am guilty of trying to shield Landon from some consequences by giving warnings instead of putting a stop to it when he is goofing off instead of eating dinner, for example. By not giving warnings, we teach our kids that we mean business and that they must change behavior in order to avoid those consequences in the future. Sometimes, we must impose consequences. In that case, they must be enforceable, fit the crime, and be delivered with love. We can deliver consequences with empathy and commiserate with our child's fate, while transferring back to them the responsibility for making it right. Gosh, it's so hard in the heat of the moment to apply all of these principles, but in just the few short weeks when I've really tried this method, I've had a much happier, more cooperative preschooler on my hands!
In everything we do, we need to model good behavior. If we expect our children to speak to us with respect, we need to speak to them and others with respect. Through this book, I've realized that the key to successful parenting and discipline is really to develop more self control and master myself! Only by controlling my own frustration, anger, and angst can I expect my three-year-old to behave appropriately. I always remind myself and Austin, "He's three, we're 28... We CAN control ourselves!"
One thing that is a challenge is that Landon is a brilliant child. I read a book about gifted kids that said that these kids can have a harder time with behavior because their level of intellect and their maturity in behavior are so different. That's the problem. When Landon is well-rested and well-fed, he can be a delightful, obedient and helpful boy! When he is not, or when he becomes overwhelmed in some way, he can be a stubborn, swirling tornado of emotion. It is SO much easier to react in an angry or frustrated way in these instances, so I guess the challenge for me is to use these tools to remain calm and be the parent!
Here's a link to the book for anyone interested on Amazon.
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