Parenting with Love and Logic- a Life Saver! Part 1

Over the past few months, we've had great days and terrible days with Landon. If I disciplined too harshly or got frustrated, everything would backfire and the day would get worse and worse. If I didn't correct behavior, however, then Landon was winning in every way and not learning proper behavior. My patience was wearing thin due to sleep deprivation and trying to figure out how to split my attention between two kids. We were floundering, see my desperate mothering post here...  and then I received the answers to my prayers in the form of this book- Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. It addressed all of my main concerns, gave me great strategies that really work, and calmed my fears that I was a terrible parent. I realized I'm not a terrible parent, just another mommy trying to do her best to raise good kids.

This book starts with a few scenarios that sounded all too familiar- misbehaving kids in the store, a kid running away in the airport, let's just say it spoke to me! The authors reassured me that through this book, "There's hope, shining beacon bright, at the end of the tunnel of parental frustration. Parenting doesn't have to be drudgery. Children can grow to be thinking, responsible adults. We can help them do it without living through an eighteen-year horror movie."

YAY! So... how do I do that? Well, here are what Austin affectionately terms the "wife notes," just as much for me to look back on as for you to enjoy, and maybe gain a few new strategies yourself. Because let's face it, parenting is at least a zillion times harder than I thought it was going to be!

The first step to raising responsible kids is to allow them to make choices! The authors say, "Unfortunately, many kids arrive at their challenging and life-threatening teenage years with no clue as to how to make decisions.... In childhood, decisions were always made for them by well-meaning parents. We must understand that making choices is like any other activity: It has to be learned." So, the first step to raising responsible kids who can make good choices by themselves: allow them the opportunities to make decisions. This has the double benefit of giving kids a sense of control over their lives that they crave. 

Two ineffective parenting strategies are briefly outlined. I will only mention them because I can see myself falling into these parenting styles at different times. The Helicopter parent shields their kids from natural consequences in the name of "love". "The irony is that helicopter parents are often viewed by others as model parents. They feel uncomfortable imposing consequences. When they see their children hurting, they hurt too, so they bail them out." That's the thing. Sometimes I shy away from giving consequences at all, especially in public, because I feel like a "bad" parent for doing that. The evolution of the helicopter parent is the Turbo-Attack Helicopter parent, that blames everyone except their kid for issues that arise. They try to create a perfect world for their kid free from struggle, discomfort, or disappointment. I think teachers and coaches bear the brunt of the attacks from these types of parents. Although it is the gut reaction to protect our kids, part of being a good parent is stepping back and allowing struggle to occur. Drill sergeant parents believe that by giving commands and controlling their kids, the kids will be better in the long run. Kids of these parents don't know how to make decisions because they have only ever learned to listen to commands. Both parenting styles send the message to their kids that they are incapable of handling things on their on. 

Now to the most effective parenting style in the eyes of the authors- the consultant parent. Consultant parents give guidance and firm, enforceable limits. Within these limits, choices are given. Consultant parents allow children to fail so that they learn to choose success. These failures- that the authors call "significant learning opportunities"- are best practiced during their early childhood and elementary school years, when the consequences are not as dire, so that by the time they reach puberty, they have practiced making decisions, and know how to make good decisions! "The challenge of parenting is to love kids enough to allow them to fail- to stand back, however painful it may be, and let significant learning opportunities build our children."

Responsible children have a positive self-concept. The authors describe a three-legged table of self concept- all three legs have to be strong in order for the table to stand. Leg one: I am loved unconditionally by parents and and family. Leg two: I have the skills needed handle life and succeed. Leg three: I can take control of my life and make good decisions. That means as parents, allowing kids to make decisions every day. They can decide which coat to wear or what shoes are most appropriate for the activity. They can decide what fruit they want to eat for lunch, etc. 

The way our kids handle everything in life will be based on how we handle frustration, fighting, etc. They model everything that we do! We have a responsibility as parents to model healthy adult behavior by taking care of ourselves. For me, this means exercise and trying my best to eat healthy food. If we constantly put our kids first and don't take care of our basic needs, not only will burnout and negative feelings occur, but kids begin to feel entitled instead of appreciative at our efforts on their behalf. This is another hard concept that I'm trying to get over as far as mommy guilt goes. I make my daily exercise mutually beneficial- I run, and we stop at a park to play at some point. 

I love this- "The greatest gift we can give our children is the knowledge that with God's help, they can always look first to themselves for the answers to their problems." I WANT to solve all of Landon's problems, but by allowing him to flounder and figure it out himself, I'm building his self-esteem and fostering growth. According to the authors, parents should intervene when safety is a consideration, or when the child's problem is becoming the parent's problem, like when talking back, throwing a tantrum, etc. The "Uh, Oh" song strategy for dealing with Landon has worked wonders, mostly for my sanity. Before when Landon did something undesirable, I told him not to do it, and perhaps he went to time out for a few minutes, but other than that, I didn't really know what to do. I would get increasingly flustered and sometimes angry at his behavior and outbursts. Now, I can deal with undesirable behavior in a calm way, and give a punishment that I feel good about. We use it when he screams at the top of his lungs, starts to throw a fit, or hurts Owen. 

Here are the steps of the "Uh,Oh" song: 

1. Sing "Uh,Oh! Looks like a little bedroom time!" This can be any place that the child cannot be with the rest of the family. We use his bedroom. We also say, "Uh, Oh! Looks like you don't want to be with the family anymore!"

2. Sing, "Feel free to have a fit in here. We'll see you when you are sweet!" Keep your voice melodic to avoid sounding angry, frustrated or sarcastic. This is hard sometimes, but it really does make a difference. I say that he can come out when he is ready to be nice to Owen/talk in a normal tone. 

3. Offer choices about how the child will stay in the room- door opened or closed, door shut or locked. 

4. Child remains in room until calm. Do not talk to the child during the calm down time

5. Once child is calm, adult sets a timer for 4-5 minutes. The child needs to start thinking, "I want to be with the family!"

6. Once child has demonstrated a good 5 minutes of calm behavior, he can return to be with the family. Don't talk about the problem. I usually ask Landon if he's ready to be sweet/kind. Sometimes he says no! In that case, he stays in his room a little longer...

Hooray for parenting books!