Thoughts on Being a Stay at Home Mom with a Doctorate

Keukenhof tulip gardens, Netherlands

Transitioning from being a Stay-At-Hotel mother of one to a stay-at-home mother of two has been rough for me. Of course, some days are better than others, but in general it took me by surprise that I am having so much trouble. Living in hotels, I missed cooking, I missed being able to do laundry inside of my house, I missed having space inside to play and a ton of toys to play with. I missed so many things about "normal" life. Living in hotels is difficult in its own way, but the unpleasant things about it are offset by the amazing things we have seen and done all over the world. Plus, it's intellectually challenging for me to go into a foreign country and try to take care of my family. As I did some self reflection, I pinpointed this as the main reason I'm having a hard time. I don't have anything intellectually challenging me in Chicago.

Owen's first bath

Living here in a home, there are many responsibilities that I did not have before. My main problem is that there is absolutely nothing that I can accomplish that is permanently done when it comes to housework. I do laundry, it gets dirty very quickly. I wash dishes and use them again. I wipe kids' butts and they get dirty again. I bathe kids and they get dirty. I sweep the floor and inevitably crumbs and popcorn immediately appear on the floor again! Picking up toys is an exercise in futility. There is nothing I currently do that has anything to show for it in the long run. The investment of time and effort in trying to raise my kids right is VERY long term, and at this point with a newborn infant and a threenager I'm not going to be reaping any dividends any time soon. Sure, there are those little glimpses of joy when the baby smiles or Landon sings Primary songs at the top of his lungs. But overall, being a stay-at-home mom is a fairly thankless job.




The next thought I had is why I didn't feel like this when Landon was a baby. I graduated with my doctorate in physical therapy in May and had Landon in August. I didn't receive my Illinois state license until a month before he was born, so although I had been hired on, I could not work. I did work very part-time as a master's swim coach (mostly for the gym membership!) starting when Landon was two weeks old. Just the few hours a week of adult time away from my baby, helping adults with their stroke technique (and seeing improvements!) was enough to keep me happy early on. When Landon was two months old, I started working most Saturdays at a nursing home as a physical therapist. It was my first job out of school, and it also gave me an opportunity to use my education and have some "adult" time. Along with being something to look forward to all week, I felt good that I was able to help pay off my student loans. As far as housework goes, a baby does not make as many messes as a three-year-old, so I didn't feel like my attempts at keeping a house clean were completely fruitless. When Landon was eight months old, I started working a few hours a week in Early Intervention, helping babies and toddlers with developmental delays. Looking back, this was the perfect job. It was super flexible because I scheduled the appointments individually with the families, and I went to their houses to provide therapy. I chose which clients to take and was only away from home for the hours that I wanted to be! It was awesome to see the differences in the lives of the kids and families as they learned how to move better.

Celebrating Landon's birthday

I'm sure the cold weather and not being able to go outside everyday, coupled with sharing a car with Austin have contributed to my feelings. We have to choose whether we want to sleep in a little and not have a car, or get up when Austin gets up and bundle up and take him to work so we can have the car. Landon is going through a hard phase of not listening that does not help matters at all. On top of everything, we're here just for a longer, short-term stint, so I don't have my sewing machine or my piano or anything with which to do my hobbies, they are all still packed in our storage unit. Not that I have ANY time for hobbies. We can't put Landon in any long term classes and although we are trying to have play dates with friends, winter and sicknesses knock out one family after another and I have to try to keep Owen healthy while he is so young.  I floundered for awhile and cried and had some horrible days where I felt like I was failing as a mother, as a wife and as a person.Was I completely wasting my hard-earned education? Was I doing anything of value to anyone?

When I humbled myself enough to pray for help and ask my Heavenly Father what I needed to do to feel better, little thoughts started coming into my mind, little by little. First, I remembered a talk from the Women's Conference session of the October 2015 General Conference of the LDS church, Rosemary Wixom spoke about our divine nature- that we are literal spirit daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us. She said,

"Our divine nature has nothing to do with our personal accomplishments, the status we achieve, the number of marathons we run, or our popularity and self-esteem. Our divine nature comes from God. It was established in an existence that preceded our birth and will continue on into eternity." She also said, "Looking out through a window, not just into a mirror, allows us to see ourselves as His. We naturally turn to Him in prayer, and we are eager to read His words and to do His will. We are able to take our validation vertically from Him, not horizontally from the world around us or from those on Facebook or Instagram."

I love this! We're programmed to look for external feedback and validation, and in the process forget our divine worth. I have wanted to be a wife and mother for as long as I can remember. Being a mother is so great, but it is the hardest role I have ever had in my life. It's physically and emotionally exhausting in a way that I have never experienced before. Right now, I'm on call 24/7 for baby feedings and diaper changes, snacks and meals, wound care and baths, story reading and home school preschool. If I break down what I actually do every day, it is quite a lot, even when it feels like I'm not doing anything!

Canal Cruise, Amsterdam

My next thought I had was that this traveling gig that we are doing for Austin's company was the ONLY way that I would consider being a full-time stay-at-home mom with no employment. If we were settled somewhere, I would find SOMETHING to do, whether it be coaching or doing physical therapy very part time. I was prompted by the Holy Ghost that I need to be with my kids full time right now while they are young, and that this traveling opportunity is the only way that I would consider being with them completely full time.

Another talk that has me in tears just thinking about it was Elder Holland's talk from October. In his talk about mothers, he said:

"Today I declare from this pulpit what has been said here before: that no love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child.You see, it is not only that they bear us, but they continue bearing with us. It is not only the prenatal carrying but the lifelong carrying that makes mothering such a staggering feat. Of course, there are heartbreaking exceptions, but most mothers know intuitively, instinctively that this is a sacred trust of the highest order. The weight of that realization, especially on young maternal shoulders, can be very daunting."

That's exactly right! It is daunting, and scary to know that I am responsible for not only the physical growth and development of my children, but the emotional, spiritual and social development. Every naughty thing that Landon does wears on me as I figure out how the heck to get him to not hit, or yell, or run away. I feel at least partially responsible for his bad and good behavior. I have been entrusted with these dynamic and challenging spirits, and I'm responsible for somehow not only keeping them alive, but turning them into adults that will contribute to society. How has any mother managed that? How can I feel so unfit for the task when I have tons of experience with kids and a great education? If mothers throughout history have figured it out, I should be able to, right?

Best. Teammate. Ever.

I know I'm not alone in thinking this way, and I know I'm not alone in parenting my children. My wonderful husband and I work as a team in this staggering endeavor of raising children. On top of that, my kids were Heavenly Father's kids first, and He knows them best. If I turn to Him, and ask how to best help my kids, He will reveal things to me through the Holy Ghost to help me in my day to day life. Every good thought or idea that brings us closer to Christ comes from Him, and He can help me! He loves me, and He loves my kids. He knows what they need and how their quirky personalities work. I need to turn to Him more for help, and internalize that I am not supposed to have to flounder and do this alone!

Elder Holland ended his talk with this, 

"To all of our mothers everywhere, past, present, or future, I say, “Thank you. Thank you for giving birth, for shaping souls, for forming character, and for demonstrating the pure love of Christ.” To all mothers in every circumstance, including those who struggle—and all will—I say, “Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are. In fact, you are saviors on Mount Zion,13 and like the Master you follow, your love ‘never faileth.’14 ” I can pay no higher tribute to anyone."

I don't know anyone who doesn't need to hear those words. "Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are." What comfort, what peace is available if only we are open to receiving it! I won't say that I'm feeling 100% better about life, but I'd say I'm feeling at least 80% better. I'm grateful for the immeasurable blessing of my two boys, and the joys and struggles that I've had because of them. I am learning so much about myself, about my relationships with other people and with God because of this. Being at home with my kids is where I'm supposed to be right now, and I am working hard on embracing it!

Who wouldn't want to spend all day with these two cuties?

* To read more of the talks that I quoted from, click the links in the text or visit lds.org