Struggles and Insights in Israel
I'm not sure if you're aware, but being a mom is really difficult. I feel like I had a decent amount of preparation for being a parent, including being the oldest of five siblings, babysitting and teaching a ton of swim lessons as a teenager and beyond. I LOVE kids. After getting a bachelor's degree in Exercise Science, I earned a doctorate in Physical therapy. I did internships in pediatric settings with children with a variety of special needs. I pursued pediatric therapy as a career. That's how much I love kids. And I do love my kids! So much! But, in some moments, my kids are really hard to love.
As I pray and try to figure out how to remedy this situation, I had the impression to study the scriptures more. At first I thought, "Yeah, right, like my kids will let me do that!" As we arrived in Israel, I had the impression to study the New Testament more. I've had a sad, kinda scary thought that comes back to haunt me every once in a while. We hear over and over in the LDS church that Christ suffered for our sins, but not only for our sins, but He felt every pain, sickness, and bad feeling we could ever feel. My scary sad thought was: "I believe that, but how could He ever feel some of the feelings I feel as a mother. He was not a woman. He did not have children in his primary care, sometimes for days at a time without a break!"
As a stay-at-hotel traveling mom, I'm extremely isolated. Far away from family, friends, and familiarity. Most often, the only people that I can communicate with are Austin and my boys. With time differences, I can't even call friends and family most of the time. How could He feel how I feel in some of these instances? How about the feelings I feel when it's nearing dinner time, "witching hour" as some call it, and I'm trying to whip up a semi-tasty, healthy meal for my family. Landon decides that now is the time to go completely crazy, breaking things, hurting Owen, and trying to eat everything in our house. Owen is super clingy, wanting to be held while I try to chop vegetables and cook. If I don't hold him, he stands with his back against the cabinets, his little hands on my legs, pushing me away from the counters where I'm trying to food prep, whining and screaming. I'm counting down the minutes in my head until I expect Austin home, and in the past month, more often than not, he has not come before the kids are in bed. That extreme frustration I feel, when I NEED to complete a task, but both children also need me and our home is complete chaos- how could the Savior have felt that feeling? Sure, I could turn on a show for Landon and half my problem would be solved, but his behavior is so much worse afterwards that it's hard for me to justify.
My answers have not come all at once, but little by little. I was impressed to read the New Testament with a specific focus: How did the Savior practice self-care? What did He do to prepare himself for the things that went through in His life? As I read, I was reminded that He took time for himself. He set aside teaching and preaching and healing and traveling and had specific times when he communed with his Father away from everyone and everything else. Likewise, I needed to set aside time for myself, where I could do a few minutes of study, prayer, and exercise so that I could be more focused and loving towards my kids. I recognized as I read that although he was not the primary caregiver of children, he DID feel the feelings I've felt! He was lonely- even though surrounded by many people and his disciples- in understanding his mission on earth. He tried so many times to explain to His disciples that He was the Messiah, and that He would suffer and die for the sins of the world. He started out subtly, and then more and more plainly as His earthly mission came towards its end. And still, no one really understood Him. He was probably exhausted and overwhelmed. Everywhere He went, people followed Him, wanting to hear Him preach and heal them. He always seemed to treat these people with kindness and give them what they wanted, but I'm sure at times, he was exhausted! Reading the New Testament, I found instances where He went in a boat on the Sea of Galilee to escape a crowd, only to be followed along the seashore until He landed, taught, and performed the miracle of feeding the 5,000.
I don't have all the answers yet. But I know that if I continue to take some time for myself to read the New Testament more, and make it a priority, I will gain all the answers that I'm seeking. I know that Jesus Christ knows me, and knows what I need to learn in order to grow closer to Him. I loved how LDS General Conference was really focused on our personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and how to be better followers of Him. That is something I strive for every day. I am so imperfect in my attempts, but I certainly try. I was also reminded to try to see my kids as Heavenly Father sees them. They are His precious spirit children! They need me to help them learn! They need my unconditional love and support. I do love them so much, but sometimes I just need a break from them. And that's OK too.
As I pray and try to figure out how to remedy this situation, I had the impression to study the scriptures more. At first I thought, "Yeah, right, like my kids will let me do that!" As we arrived in Israel, I had the impression to study the New Testament more. I've had a sad, kinda scary thought that comes back to haunt me every once in a while. We hear over and over in the LDS church that Christ suffered for our sins, but not only for our sins, but He felt every pain, sickness, and bad feeling we could ever feel. My scary sad thought was: "I believe that, but how could He ever feel some of the feelings I feel as a mother. He was not a woman. He did not have children in his primary care, sometimes for days at a time without a break!"
As a stay-at-hotel traveling mom, I'm extremely isolated. Far away from family, friends, and familiarity. Most often, the only people that I can communicate with are Austin and my boys. With time differences, I can't even call friends and family most of the time. How could He feel how I feel in some of these instances? How about the feelings I feel when it's nearing dinner time, "witching hour" as some call it, and I'm trying to whip up a semi-tasty, healthy meal for my family. Landon decides that now is the time to go completely crazy, breaking things, hurting Owen, and trying to eat everything in our house. Owen is super clingy, wanting to be held while I try to chop vegetables and cook. If I don't hold him, he stands with his back against the cabinets, his little hands on my legs, pushing me away from the counters where I'm trying to food prep, whining and screaming. I'm counting down the minutes in my head until I expect Austin home, and in the past month, more often than not, he has not come before the kids are in bed. That extreme frustration I feel, when I NEED to complete a task, but both children also need me and our home is complete chaos- how could the Savior have felt that feeling? Sure, I could turn on a show for Landon and half my problem would be solved, but his behavior is so much worse afterwards that it's hard for me to justify.
My answers have not come all at once, but little by little. I was impressed to read the New Testament with a specific focus: How did the Savior practice self-care? What did He do to prepare himself for the things that went through in His life? As I read, I was reminded that He took time for himself. He set aside teaching and preaching and healing and traveling and had specific times when he communed with his Father away from everyone and everything else. Likewise, I needed to set aside time for myself, where I could do a few minutes of study, prayer, and exercise so that I could be more focused and loving towards my kids. I recognized as I read that although he was not the primary caregiver of children, he DID feel the feelings I've felt! He was lonely- even though surrounded by many people and his disciples- in understanding his mission on earth. He tried so many times to explain to His disciples that He was the Messiah, and that He would suffer and die for the sins of the world. He started out subtly, and then more and more plainly as His earthly mission came towards its end. And still, no one really understood Him. He was probably exhausted and overwhelmed. Everywhere He went, people followed Him, wanting to hear Him preach and heal them. He always seemed to treat these people with kindness and give them what they wanted, but I'm sure at times, he was exhausted! Reading the New Testament, I found instances where He went in a boat on the Sea of Galilee to escape a crowd, only to be followed along the seashore until He landed, taught, and performed the miracle of feeding the 5,000.
I don't have all the answers yet. But I know that if I continue to take some time for myself to read the New Testament more, and make it a priority, I will gain all the answers that I'm seeking. I know that Jesus Christ knows me, and knows what I need to learn in order to grow closer to Him. I loved how LDS General Conference was really focused on our personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and how to be better followers of Him. That is something I strive for every day. I am so imperfect in my attempts, but I certainly try. I was also reminded to try to see my kids as Heavenly Father sees them. They are His precious spirit children! They need me to help them learn! They need my unconditional love and support. I do love them so much, but sometimes I just need a break from them. And that's OK too.
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